Calm Is Not the Same as Regulated: Somatic Healing for the Nervous System

Grounding begins with simple connection. Feeling your feet on the earth can signal safety to your nervous system

When I support clients through somatic therapy, I often witness something subtle but powerful.

A strong emotion rises. The throat tightens. The chest constricts. Tears begin. And then, without even realizing it, the client takes a breath to push the feeling away. They try to calm down, to breathe it out, to get back to baseline.

It is a natural response. It makes sense. And sometimes, it is helpful. But not always.

What I have noticed is that for many sensitive clients navigating anxiety, trauma symptoms, or burnout, this reflex to immediately calm the body is not really about regulation. It is about suppression. It is about swallowing something down because it feels too big, too messy, or too much. Somewhere along the line, they learned that “calm” was the goal, and anything outside of that range was unsafe or wrong.

But calm is not the same as regulated.

What Regulation Actually Means

Nervous system regulation is not about being peaceful at all times. It is about having the capacity to be present with whatever is arising. It is about staying connected to yourself even when big emotions move through. It is about knowing when you are dysregulated, and gently guiding yourself back into a regulated state. It is not forcing yourself into stillness. True regulation builds over time. It is not a performance. It is a practice.

Tracking Activation

One helpful tool I often use in session is to take the temperature of a feeling or sensation to assess level of distress. Technically speaking this is the subjective units of distress scale that comes from EMDR therapy and helps clients notice and name their level of internal activation.

Zero is neutral. Ten is the most distressed or activated you can imagine. By learning to check in with this scale throughout a session, clients begin to build awareness of their inner world. They also start to understand how their body responds at each level and which tools are most helpful at different points on the scale.

This is the work of distress tolerance. It is not about avoiding the spike, but learning how to ride the wave without shutting it down.

The Window of Tolerance

Window of Tolerance

This concept, developed by Dr. Dan Siegel, describes the optimal zone of arousal in which a person can function effectively. When we are within our window, we feel safe, grounded, and connected. When we are pushed outside of it, either into hyperarousal (anxiety, panic, overwhelm) or hypoarousal (numbness, shutdown, dissociation), it becomes much harder to think clearly, regulate emotions, or stay present.

With trauma-informed therapy, the goal is not to keep you inside the window at all times, but to widen the window. That way, you can stay present with more emotion, more sensation, and more of yourself without needing to retreat or collapse.

Staying With the Feeling

The next time something stirs inside you whether it is grief, anger, or fear, see if you can pause before trying to fix it or stop it. Take the temperature. Where are you on your internal scale? What would it feel like to stay with the feeling, even just a little longer?

Regulation means you are building the strength and trust to meet yourself exactly where you are. It means you can handle what is arising without losing yourself in it. And if you cannot yet, that is okay too. That is where the healing begins. Regulation is really about your nervous system learning to create conditions of safety inside and around you so your body can soften, settle, and know it is okay to be here. From that foundation of safety, your capacity to meet life expands.

Try This: A Body-Based Check-In

Here is a simple somatic practice to support emotional presence:

1. Bring your attention to your body. Place one hand on your chest and one on your belly. Gently close your eyes or soften your gaze.

2. Notice what is present. Are there any signs of activation or distress? Some examples might be: a racing heart, a pit in your stomach, tightness in your jaw, or irritation. If you can, name it.

3. Check the temperature. Using the SUDS scale (0 = neutral, 10 = highest distress), give the feeling/sensation a number without judgment.

4. Get curious. Take a slow breath and ask: What does this part of me need right now?

Over time, this simple check-in helps you recognize patterns and develop the capacity to respond, not react.

You Are Not Too Much

So many of us have internalized the belief that big feelings are dangerous. But in truth, emotional energy is part of what makes us whole. You do not have to fear your feelings. You do not have to chase calm. With the right support, you can learn to regulate or to stay with yourself and feel safe in your body again.

This is what somatic therapy offers. Not just symptom relief, but a pathway home to your body, your emotions, and your wholeness.

✨ Ready to explore your own emotional landscape?

If this resonates and you are interested in learning how to map your unique nervous system I invite you to reach out for a free consultation here. You can also check out more resources on my website including my recent blog post on hypervigilance vs attunement.