Grieving the Living: Understanding Ambiguous Loss, Estrangement, and Disenfranchised Grief

Most people think grief only happens after death. We picture funerals, memorials, and casseroles left on the porch. There are rituals, however imperfect, that acknowledge the loss.

But some grief does not come with casseroles. It has no ceremony, no clear name, no community recognition. It lives in the shadows, carried quietly because the world does not know how to hold it.

One of those griefs is the ache of grieving the living—the pain of loving someone who is still alive but no longer present in the way you need them. This is sometimes called ambiguous loss or disenfranchised grief, and it can be just as deep and lonely.

What is ambiguous loss?

Psychologist Pauline Boss coined the term ambiguous loss. It describes grief that has no clear resolution. Someone is both here and not here.

You may know ambiguous loss if:

• A parent or partner is physically present but emotionally absent.

• A loved one lives with dementia and no longer remembers you.

• A sibling or partner has changed after a brain injury.

• You have chosen estrangement as the only safe option in a painful relationship.

This is grief without closure. The body is here, but the relationship you long for is gone.

What is disenfranchised grief?

Disenfranchised grief, a term from Kenneth Doka, describes losses society does not validate. Grieving the living often falls into this category.

It sounds like:

• “But your mom is still alive.”

• “Why can’t you just call?”

• “It’s not like they died.”

  
  

These responses suggest your grief is not legitimate, which can leave you carrying it silently. Disenfranchised grief often becomes a private grief and a lonely grief. Kelly McDaniel’s Mother Hunger captures this pain. She names the grief of longing for the mothering you needed but never received which is a grief culture often shames or silences.

When grief has no casseroles

Most grief comes with casseroles. Neighbors arrive with food, people check in, and there is a script to follow after death. But grieving the living does not come with casseroles. It often comes with silence.

There came a point in my own healing when I realized no one was going to show up with a dish to acknowledge the invisible grief I was carrying. And so I decided to make myself the casserole. I cooked something warm, sat down at my own table, and named what no one else could see.

It was an act of defiance, but also of tenderness. A way of saying to myself: This grief is real. You deserve comfort. You deserve care. Sometimes honoring grief means creating your own rituals when the world offers none.

The shame of grieving the living

Because ambiguous loss is not widely recognized, shame often layers on top of it. You may hear the voice saying:

• “Something must be wrong with me.”

• “Other families seem close. Why not mine?”

• “If I admit this grief, I’ll be judged.”

  
  

But your grief is not a weakness. It is the evidence of love, need, and longing. Naming it is not betrayal. It is honesty.

The comparison trap

When you are grieving estrangement or ambiguous loss, comparison can deepen the loneliness. Holiday photos, parent tributes, and family gatherings often stir the thought that you should not feel the way you do. But grief is not a competition. What you carry is real, even if it looks different than someone else’s.

Estrangement grief and ambivalence

Estrangement is sometimes a necessary form of self-protection. You can grieve someone and still choose distance. You can miss someone and feel relief at the same time. This is called estrangement grief, and the ambivalence it brings is a normal part of being human.

Practices for hidden grief

If you are grieving the living, here are gentle practices that may help:

• Notice your body. Where does this grief live...in your chest, throat, belly? Offer breath and compassion there. Whisper: “This makes sense.”

• Reflect. Ask: What am I grieving that has no ritual? What would it look like to honor it anyway?

• Find safe witnesses. Share with those who can validate your grief instead of dismissing it.

Resources for grieving the living

• Pauline Boss - Ambiguous Loss and The Myth of Closure

• Kenneth Doka - Disenfranchised Grief

• Kelly McDaniel -Mother Hunger

  
  

Closing

Grieving the living is real grief. It may not come with casseroles or ceremonies, but it deserves recognition. It is not about giving up hope. It is about honoring reality. Whether you are facing ambiguous loss, disenfranchised grief, or estrangement grief, know this: your experience is valid, your grief makes sense, and you are not alone.